I remember in school, all I ever wanted to be was a singer. Something to do with being famous I’m sure, but it was always on the list in my memory book - “Singer, Nurse, Teacher”. Somewhere along the way, I got caught up in the idea that I needed a degree before I could do anything about theatre or music. I needed that education first. 4.5 years at UVic later, I learned a lot, had great experiences and walked away with a degree that I have absolutely no use for anymore. A year after that, I was in Toronto getting ready to start my Musical Theatre Degree. My acting teacher in high school showed me the Randolph Academy pamphlet when I was 16 and at 24 I was finally following through on my dream. After graduating in 2006, and trying my hardest at “making it”, I ended up just living my life for a while, not having much success at all - it was only in 2016 when I was 35 and newly signed with my agent that things started happening. Two years after that, I officially made more money acting than in anything else I did that year. I was acting for a living and loving it.
Enter our move to Halifax in 2018. Don’t get me wrong, I am fully on board with this life transition and having a house and a new life and new responsibilities and goals, but it has been extremely difficult adapting to a new world of acting and what my new dream is. I never thought it would be easy, and I really don’t like easy anyway, but there is this little tug at my heart every now and then when I see other people getting to do things I want to be doing. Heading to commercial auditions. Wardrobe fittings. Being on set. Being onstage. Singing. I know it’s what I’m supposed to be doing with my life, but when your “supposed to” isn’t available to you in reality, at what point do you let go and walk away, rather than clinging to bread crumbs? At what point is the letting go safer to that tug in your heart, than the sadness of not doing the thing?
And with this I struggle. And shall continue to struggle as I approach my 39th (ugh) birthday and question my life (because why not) and choices made. It’s human condition to make ourselves miserable, right? Or maybe just to lean in to hard things when they get hard instead of letting go. Something to ponder for 2020. The end of a century. The time for new beginnings.